Question:

In order for our son to succeed in life, we have extracurricular activities arranged for him. This takes up all of his time after school and over the weekends. He complains that he is too tired and can’t cope.

Answer:

• It’s true that here in China the competition is fierce, and parents feel compelled to overburden their children with many different after-school classes and the practices for those classes, all on top of their school homework.
• The answer is moderation. You don’t want a child who performs well at school and brings home good grades but ends up having depression as a young adult or rebelling and dropping out.
• Try to see his “success in life” in an overall sense: your child is growing into an adult who will play a role in society.
• If your son, as a grown-up, is excellent at his work and makes good money but has an unsavoury character, is an unfaithful spouse, or can’t manage his anger and stoops to violence, would you consider him to have succeeded in life?
• So the question is, how are you contributing to his overall success in life?
• I suggest that you look at his schedule together with him. Write all his activities on a piece of paper. Discuss how each one of the activities can develop a different capacity, knowledge or skill in him.
• Ask him if he were to drop one, considering their importance, which one he would like to drop.
• Then ask him, what activity would help revitalise him and how he could incorporate the activity within that new free time in his schedule.
• In consultation, come up with a decision.
• Tell him that you respect his feelings and his opinion, and that now, with less to do, he can continue in his other activities with more zeal and energy.

Question:
Our 6 year old daughter is very shy and doesn’t interact with other children. What do you think we should do?

Answer:

• Never refer to your child as “shy”. Chances are that this is an identity you and your spouse have given her for the past six years, by frequently saying to people in front of your daughter that she is shy.
• Teach her friendliness and friendly behaviour. Use puppets or toys to model friendliness and unfriendliness.
• Tell her stories about friendly people and their behaviour.
• Model friendliness when she is with you by starting kind conversations with strangers, such as in a lift, at a waiting room of a doctor or a dentist, at the park, or at a restaurant.
• Invite people to your home and show hospitality and friendliness. Prepare her for the guests before they arrive and give her tasks to show hospitality and friendliness, such as opening the door and saying “welcome,” ushering them to the seats in the living room, offering them a dish of fruit or nuts, and asking them how they are doing.
• You can make it fun and sometimes, when no guests are there, do a role-play with her. First she will pretend to be the guest, knocking on the door, and you will be the gracious host. Then it will be your turn to play guest and her turn to be the host.
• If, when meeting people, she doesn’t show friendliness, don’t correct her in front of the guests. After they are gone and in private, ask your daughter: “How do you think you could have been more friendly?”
• Let her write a list of things she could have said or done. Make it a fun project, in an attempt to improve her skills; do not make it a chore, a sign of your disapproval of her or a punishment.
• Encourage her verbally by acknowledging even the slightest efforts of friendliness she displays.
• Create opportunities for her to practice friendliness.
• All of the above have to be repeated over and over. Do not expect a change in behaviour by just saying or doing it once.

Answer:

How much free time are we talking about? If she has a full schedule of study, chores and responsibilities everyday, it does not leave much free time.

• First, make sure you are not doing too much for her and that she is responsible for things related to her, which she is capable of doing for herself. It is your responsibility as a parent to increase her capabilities day by day.
• In a family, everyone helps one another. After you have made sure that she is being responsible for chores related to herself, help her choose a few services that she can do for other family members, daily and weekly, in a spirit of love and cooperation.
• What options have you introduced to her to spend her free time on?
• If she has plenty of free time, consult with her and figure out what her interests are. Then suggest that she attend a weekly class where she develop her interests such as a music lesson, an art lesson, a sports activity, a second language class, or a service activity such as helping in an orphanage or babysitting for a neighbour.
• Most classes and activities mentioned above will require some kind of daily practice that will help her to become diligent, self-disciplined and strive for excellence. At the same time, they will fill her free time with purposeful and enjoyable activities.
• Chatting in moderation is ok. It is one kind of social interaction.
• Ask her to invite a friend or two over, every now and then, and show hospitality. You may also offer to take them for an outing that would interest them. These activities will give you a chance to see if her friends share the same family values as yours.
• You may also need to ask yourself why your daughter prefers associating with friends rather than with her family:
  – Is it because her friends accept her as she is but family criticises her often?
  – Is it because friends pay attention to her and to the things she cares about while parents ignore these?
• If these questions ring true, then make adjustments in your parenting to allow for a better relationship to develop.

Question:

Our eleven-year-old son is more interested in TV and video games than anything else. Is this all right since we live in the age of electronic devices?

Answer:

• No, it is not all right. Some parents, in the early years of parenting, put their child in front of a TV everyday and for long periods, to buy themselves time. This becomes a habit for the child.
• I strongly recommend refraining from allowing this habit to form or continue. If possible, make outdoor activities, especially in parks where the air is not too polluted, a part of the child’s daily.
• The majority of video games teach violence and brutality.
• Most video games, especially PVP (person vs. person) video games, encourage fierce competition and are harmful to a child’s outlook.
• Set a limit to his “device time”, such as 1/2 hour a day. Control the content.
• Time in nature, cycling, doing sports, gardening, and looking after animals, are healthy activities.
• A human body is made to be active; inactivity can cause a variety of health problems. Educate your child on this matter.
• Encourage him to read books. Reading improves his imagination.
• At home you can involve him in all your chores. Get him to help you clean, mop, dust, cook, bake, and fix what needs to be fixed. This will increase his capabilities and his self-esteem.

Question:

My daughter feels lonely because we can only have one child.

Answer:

• Find children her age in your neighbourhood, at her school/kindergarten, or among your friends and associates (children whose upbringing you approve of), for her to play with.
• Invite them after school or on the weekend for playtime with your daughter. Your daughter may already have a friend in mind. You can ask her whom she would like to spend time with.
• These playdates can become a regular activity.
• Usually just one friend at a time is enough.
• Arrange for safe and meaningful activities for them, such as filling and rolling dumplings for lunch. Supervise for safety, but give enough freedom for them to have a good time.
• Take your daughter and her friend for an outing such as the science museum or a park.
• Ask your daughter to come up with creative ideas of things she can do when she is by herself, so that she does not feel bored. You can add your suggestions to her list too.
• Suggest a variety of extracurricular group activities for her to choose from. Add these to her weekly schedule.
• If she is old enough send her to camps during school vacations.
• Involve her in your own acts of service, such as helping someone, visiting a friend at the hospital, making food for a sick neighbour, or babysitting for a friend who needs respite.

Question:

My husband and I want to bring up our son in a certain way but my mother in-law and father in-law have a different way. How can we resolve this situation since my in-laws live with us and look after our son?

Answer:

• Unity in the family is most important. The fact that your in-laws are there for your child is a gift to be appreciated.
• Through consultation, discussion and family meetings, with the help of your spouse, try to educate your parents-in-law on your reasons and methods.
• Acknowledge the wealth of experience that the grandparents bring to your son’s upbringing by communicating your gratitude. Otherwise, they may feel unappreciated and that their sacrifices are going unnoticed.
• Since the well being of the child is the main concern for all parties involved, tactfully introduce new methods that produce better results and which can be studied and learnt together by parents and grandparents.
• When all family members hold the principle of family unity in high regard and acknowledge that all parties (parents and grandparents) are engaged in and are committed to the service of the child’s learning, positive results will be achieved through tactful and loving conversations about the best methods of up-bringing.

Question:

What should we do about practice for activities (such as practicing piano or calligraphy)? Should we force the children or let them be free?

Answer:

• For some classes, it would be almost a waste of your money if your child doesn’t practice between class times. So you can’t let them be free. But certainly the answer is not forcing them. Use reasoning.
• It is necessary to discuss with the child the requirements of a class before they start it. It should not come as a surprise that practice is part of this learning.
• Help your child understand the future benefits of such learning. Avoid constant arguments.
• Show interest in their learning and get involved to some extent, especially in the beginning.
• Encouragement is your best tool. Show genuine interest in your child’s improvement.
• Don’t make the issue a cause of disappointment, anger or conflict in the family. Extra curricular activities must be a cause of enjoyment.

Question:

When is it ok for my child to start tan lian ai (having a boyfriend or girlfriend)? What do we do about the common problem of zao lian (having a boyfriend or girlfriend too early)?

Answer:

In my personal belief, we have to give our children the best education in what it means to be a human being. I give importance to purity, chastity and simplicity. I would, according to my own value system, teach my child to respect his body and value purity. I would teach him that sex belongs only in marriage. Outside of marriage it can only complicate lives, physically, emotionally and mentally.

• Encourage your child to develop friendships with boys and girls, to play and to do activities and service projects together. Encourage your child to not categorize friends according to gender, but to see their friends as people first.
• If, at the age of puberty, your child becomes interested in someone of the opposite sex, you can assure him that it is very normal. They can be friends and enjoy common activities together, but should avoid getting physical, as difficult as it may be. Certain things must be preserved for within a marriage. Self-discipline is a very important and useful quality to develop in life and is better learned before marriage than after, when it is equally needed.
• By developing various friendships, he will learn about himself and about what he is looking for in a life partner.
• As part of this maturation process, he may find that his interest in spending time with a given friend may grow or wane. If he has not developed a physical relationship with that person, his mind will be more clear to make a choice that is in harmony with his values.

问题:

为了让儿子成为人生赢家，我们为他在放学后和周末都安排了课外培训课程。他抱怨说太累了，应付不过来。

回答:

• 确实在中国社会竞争很激烈，父母很无奈地给他们的孩子增加了过多的负担，让他放学后去参加很多不同课程，而这些课程都是为了孩子们能把学校的功课掌握熟练。
• 答案就是要有节制。你不想孩子在学校表现得很好，把好成绩带回家，结果却又在长大后垂头丧气，最后导致叛逆退学的情况出现吧。
• 试着用全面的角度去看待孩子在“生命中的成功”，其实就是他在长大成人后，在社会上有自己的一席之地。
• 如果你的儿子成年后有着出色的工作，赚很多钱，可是却有着让人讨厌的品性，可能是对伴侣不忠，或是没法控制好自己的脾气，总有暴力行为，你还会觉得他是个人生赢家吗？
• 所以问题是，你怎么去帮助他实现人生中的整体成功呢？
• 我建议你和他一起查看他的时间表。把他所有的活动安排写在一张纸上。讨论每一种活动的安排分别怎样发展他不同的才能，知识和技能。
• 问问他如果可以放弃一种活动，在考虑过这些活动的重要性后，他决定放弃哪一个。
• 然后问他什么样的活动可以让他精神振奋，以及由于他有了这段新的空闲时间，如何能够把这项活动融入到他的安排中去。
• 打算怎么安排空余时间来放松自己。
• 通过磋商，一起商量出一个方案。
• 告诉他你会尊重他的感受和想法；现在负担少了，他就能把更多心思和力气放在其他的活动上。

问题:
我们六岁的女儿非常害羞，不跟别的小朋友互动。您认为我们该怎么做？

回答:

• 不要说孩子“害羞”。很有可能过去六年，你跟先生经常当着女儿的面跟别人说她很害羞，给她贴上了这样的标签。
• 教她什么是友好，怎样表达友好。用木偶或者玩具作为榜样，来教她友好和不友好是什么样的。
• 给她讲友好的人和他们行为的故事。
• 当她跟你一起的时候，你要作出表率，跟陌生人友善地聊天，比如，在电梯里，医生或者牙医的候诊室，公园里，或者餐馆里。
• 邀请客人来你家，展现出你的好客和友好。在他们来之前就让孩子做好有客人要来的准备。给她一些表现好客和友好的任务，比如开门说“欢迎”，带客人到客厅坐下，给客人端出水果盘或者坚果。向客人问好。
• 你可以让这一切充满趣味。有的时候，在没有客人的时候，可以跟她做角色扮演。一开始，她扮演客人，敲门，而你扮演热情的主人。然后，可以由你来扮演客人，她来扮演主人。
• 如果她在接待客人的时候没有表现出友好，不要在客人面前纠正她。在客人离开后，你可以单独问问你的女儿：“你觉得你可以怎样表现地更友好呢？”
• 让她列出所有她可以说的话或者做的事情。做这件事情应该是好玩儿的，为了提高她的技能。而不能作为一个家务，暗示你不赞同她或者是在惩罚她。
• 一旦发现她有一丝一毫努力表现友好的时候，一定要在言语上鼓励她。
• 为她创造机会表现友好。
• 上面说的这些要重复做很多次的。不要指望只说一次，只做一次就可以改变她的行为。

回答:

我们现在讲的空余时间有多少呢？如果她要上一整天的课，每天回到家还要做家务，她就没有多少空余的时间了。

• 首先，要确保你没有为她做太多事，她应该负责做自己的力所能及的事情。一天天提高她的能力是你作为家长的责任。
• 在一个家里面，每个人都要互相帮助。基于爱与合作的精神，确保她负责自己份内的家务，每天或者每周为家庭成员提供一些力所能及的服务。
• 你有没有跟她说说在空闲时间可以选择做什么？
• 如果她有很多的空闲时间，那就跟她商量一下，看看她的兴趣在哪里。然后给她一些建议，参加一个每周一次的兴趣班发展她的兴趣，比如一周一次的音乐班、艺术班、体育运动、学一门外语或做一些服务活动，例如在孤儿院提供一些帮助或者为邻居照顾婴儿。
• 上面提到的大多数课程和活动都会要求一定程度上的日常练习，她会因此变得勤奋自律，从而走向优秀。同时，这些课程能够让她在空余时间有目的地参与一些自己喜欢的活动。
• 适当聊天是没有问题的。这是一种社交的方式。
• 让她时常邀请一个或者两个以上的朋友到家里来，热情招待他们。你也可以带他去他喜欢的地方走走。
• 这些活动给你机会能够看看她的朋友们的家庭价值观是否和你们的一样。
• 你可能也需要问问自己，为什么你的女儿宁愿和朋友们在一起，也不要和家人在一起：
  ⁃ 是不是因为她的朋友愿意接受真实的她，而家里人却喜欢不时批评她呢？
  ⁃ 是不是因为朋友们关注她，以及她所关心的事务，而父母却忽略了这些？
• 如果这些问题听起来是对的，那你需要对你的育儿方法进行调整，才能和你的孩子发展出很好的关系。

问题:

我们的儿子11岁，他除了喜欢看电视和视频游戏什么都不喜欢。在这个充斥着电子产品的时代，这样好吗？

回答:

• 不，这样并不好。有些父母为了有时间做自己的事情，在孩子小的时候让他长时间地看电视，渐渐地孩子就养成了看电视的习惯。
• 我强烈建议家长制止这种习惯的养成和发展。如果可以，带他参加户外运动，尤其是空气好的公园，最好把它融入到孩子的日常生活中。
• 大多数的视频游戏充斥着暴力和野蛮。
• 大多数视频游戏，尤其是与人对战的游戏，它们鼓励激烈的竞争，对孩子的将来是有害的。
• 限制他看电子设备的时间，比如每天半小时，控制他看的视频内容。
• 花时间去体验大自然，骑自行车、做运动、做园艺、照顾动物等等都是健康的活动。
• 人体生来需要活动，不活动会导致很多健康问题。请教育你的孩子这方面的问题。
• 鼓励他读书。阅读能提高他的想象力。
• 在家，你可以让他跟你一起做所有家务。让他帮你打扫、拖地、掸灰尘、煮饭、烘焙以及修理需要修理的东西，这样可以提高他的能力和自尊。

问题:

我的女儿觉得很孤独因为我们只能有一个孩子。

回答:

• 你们小区，她的学校/幼儿园，或是你的朋友圈中找找跟她同龄的孩子（那些你认同的有教养的孩子）和她一起玩。
• 邀请他们放学后或是在周末跟你的女儿一起玩耍。你的女儿自己心里可能已经有了朋友的人选。你可以问问她想跟谁一起玩。
• 可以定期组织活动带他们玩。
• 通常每次带一个朋友就够了。
• 给他们安排一些安全又有意义的活动例如午饭包饺子吃。要看管好他们的安全，但是也要给予足够的空间去玩得开心。
• 带你的女儿和她朋友外出活动，比如去科学博物馆或是公园玩。
• 问问你的女儿，让她想个有创意的事情来做，这样她在一个人的时候就不会感到孤独了。
• 你也可以给她提提你的建议。
• 让她从各种各样的课外团队活动中挑选要上的，加入她的每周时间表。
• 如果她年龄够大了，可以在学校假期时把她送去参加野营。
• 当你在做自己的服务性事务时带上她，比如说帮助别人，去医院探望朋友，为生病的邻居做吃的，或是帮助需要休息的朋友照看小孩。

问题:

在育儿方式上，我们夫妻俩跟我婆婆有分歧，这导致了经常的争吵和伤害，我该如何解决这个问题呢？现在公婆跟我们住在一起照顾孙子。

回答:

• 家庭团结最重要。公婆帮你们照看孩子，你们应该感激。
• 可以在老公帮助下，通过商量，讨论，开家庭会议的方式，试着把你的育儿方式教给公婆。
• 跟爷爷奶奶交流你的态度，要肯定爷爷奶奶丰富的经验。否则他们会觉得你们不懂得感激，他们的付出你们没看见。
• 既然孩子的福祉是你们共同关心的，那么用点技巧，介绍一些更好的新方法，让父母和祖父母可以一起学习。
• 当所有的家庭成员都高度重视家庭和谐的原则，并且知晓所有人（父母和祖父母）都在为了孩子的学习投入，然后再去进行有关如何教养孩子的谈话，谈话过程讲究技巧，又要充满关爱，那么结局一定是好的。

问题:

我们应该怎样保证活动课之后的练习呢（比如练习弹钢琴或是练书法）？我们应该强迫孩子去做吗还是不去管？

回答:

其实对于有的课程来说，你的孩子要是不在课后练习的话那你基本就是在浪费钱。所以你不能不管。但是无疑地也不是说要去强迫他。跟他讲道理。

• 在课程开始前有必要跟孩子讲清楚每节课的要求。要让他事先知道练习也是学习的一部分。
• 帮助你的孩子理解这样的学习对未来的好处。避免无休止的争吵。
• 要表现出你对他学习的关注，尤其在刚开始的时候可以适当地参与其中。
• 鼓励是你最好的方式。对你孩子的进步要赞赏有加。
• 不要因为这个问题而对孩子失望，生气或在家产生矛盾。额外的课程学习必须要让孩子快乐。

问题:

什么时候让我的孩子谈恋爱（找男女朋友）比较恰当呢？遇到早恋（过早拥有男女朋友）的问题我们该怎么办呢？

回答:

在我个人看来，我们给孩子的最好的教育是“一个人存在的意义是什么”。我重视纯洁、贞洁和朴素。我会根据自己的价值体系教我的孩子尊重他的身体和并重视纯洁。我会教导他，性只属于婚姻。婚姻之外，性只会让生活、身体、情绪以及精神变得复杂。

• 鼓励你的孩子和男孩们女孩们建立友谊，一起玩耍，一起参加活动和做一些服务他人的项目。鼓励你的孩子不要用性别来把朋友分类，而是首先都把他们看作人类。
• 如果你的孩子在青春期的时候对异性产生兴趣，你可以跟他说这是一件很正常的事情。他们可以成为朋友，一起享受平常的活动，但不能进行身体接触，这也许很难。有些事情必须留到婚姻中。自我约束是非常重要且有益的品质，要在生活中训练它，并且结婚之前学会比结婚之后学会更好。
• 通过建立各种友谊，他们会了解自己，了解自己需要寻找什么样的生活伴侣。
• 作为成熟过程的一部分，他可能发现他想和某一个朋友共度时间的兴趣增大或衰退。如果他和那人并没有身体接触，那么他的思维可以更清晰的做出符合他价值标准的决定。